Just Know You're Beautiful...

Ok so I saw this post on Facebook that made me extremely pissed…It was a picture of a girl in a bathing suit on the beach and it looked as if she used to cut herself or got into a horrible car accident…more than likely the first though. The cuts were deep enough to cause scars that won’t fade so easily even with time. I read the comments on this post and most were telling her how courageous she was and how beautiful she was, and to keep fighting through her struggle (the post had a small story about how she felt she was unattractive, fat, and went on the beach showing her scars even though she was self conscience about it to aid her in her healing process). But of course there were the few who told her she was stupid for cutting herself, she shouldn’t complain about something that she did to herself, etc, etc. Why did this piss me off? This pissed me off because not one person knows anything about this girl but what was posted on Facebook. Period. The cuts WERE probably self-induced but it didn’t say in the post anywhere that she actually cuts herself. Just that she’s struggling with her self image and has been battling it for some time. So hoooooowwwww can you possibly start just assuming that she hadn’t been in a horrible car accident, or was tortured, or abused as a child, or anything? ANYTHING could have happened to her and yet people were so quick to judge and criticize and call her stupid, dumb, etc. for something that isn’t even clarified if she did it or not. Number TWO reason that this got under my skin is because if they ARE self induced, the reason why she started cutting herself probably had to do with being teased, having a rough childhood, being abused, being raped, or just an overall low self-esteem.

Now don’t sit and tell me that “there’s no such thing as having low self-esteem” or say “that’s not a reason to cut yourself because I had/have low self-esteem” because, yes…there is such a thing as having a low self esteem and, no…it may not be a reason to cut yourself but everyone reacts to certain events differently. Let me give you a scenario:

A little girl is in elementary school. She’s a shy, bashful, intelligent, friendly, nice girl. But she comes from a single parent household, mother works long hours, father is nowhere in sight, so she wears what her mother can afford. Often times being off-brand items that some kids in school tease her for. They tease her every day, always something new about her being ugly, funny-looking, dark, tar baby, whatever their mean little spirits can come up with for that day. Every day she hears this torture and goes home to not being able to talk to her mom because she’s always busy, always working. No one tells her she’s beautiful. No one tells her she’s smart. No one tells or shows her what she’s worth. The older she gets, the more of a loner she becomes. Becoming depressed, feeling unloved and unworthy. Everyone just thinks that this is just what “teenagers” do, she’ll get over it. But she never does and secretly begins hating herself. Hates how she looks, how she talks, how she walks, everything about herself she hates. Gets into high school, finally some boys are paying her attention. She thinks they care, finally feeling some feelings of self-worth because somebody “wants” her. Not realizing until she loses her virginity and her boyfriend all in one night that the “want” was for something else, not for her. She blames herself for him leaving, starts hating herself even more. Feeling worthless. Wants to die….and th

Not everyone was taught that they are worth more than anything in this world. Not everyone can just “move on” from an insult and realize that other people’s opinion of them is irrelevant. Self-esteem is one of those things that people just “assume” people have or “should” have, but the reality is, not everyone does. The reasons why vary as much as the colors in the rainbow. From being teased by classmates to being teased by parents. From being raped to being physically abused. I myself even struggle with my own self-image and it really is a struggle, a daily struggle to try to find and see your worth when you didn’t and was told everything BUT the positive about you until AFTER you already had a negative image of yourself. You never know what someone has been through to get to the place where they are right now so how DARE you judge someone who is working on being a better them? Working on feeling better about themselves and trying to change their outlook and view of their self? Everybody in this world is insecure about something. It may not always be physical, but everybody has something about themselves that they want to change or wishes they could change. Take a good, close HARD look in the mirror before you start trying to judge someone or talk shit about someone else’s progress when you don’t know their fucking struggle.

Point blank we have GOT to do better. Stop criticizing and stop assuming that everyone can do things because you do them, or that everyone should be able to handle something just because you did. God created each one of us unique and different and again I catch myself AGAIN saying that not everyone thinks the same, handles situations the same, or even views things the same. So the next time you see someone say “I overcame my fear”, “I lost 10 lbs”, “I feel pretty today”, or anything that reflects self progression, then support and give congratulations, otherwise just shut your judgmental ass up and keep it fucking moving….

And for those who need to hear it and want to hear it: You are beautiful. You are perfectly made in God’s image and let no one tell you different. Love and appreciate every inch of you, and more than anything know that you deserve to be happy and soooo much more. Much love from me to you!!!

I'm Different, Yeah I'm....

Different (you see what I did there??? lol). No really I am on a kinda weird spectrum...mixed in with mildly crazy...a little OCD...mom of two...kind of aggressive but I think I'm easy enough to get along with...MUSIC FIEND omg lol...#teamtaurus lol...birthday is April 29th...I'll be 25...A quarter of a century, half of 50 (which is the fucked up shit I told my best friend when she turned 25 HA, all fun and games of course), extremely caring....a nerd (yeah I am)...dramatic at times lol...and take all of that and wrap it with being an in general chill person. Oh and I'm generally honest. I won't sit up here and say that I don't lie, everybody lies, or "withholds" truth..whatever makes you feel comfortable...but everybody does it. I do my best not to lie. one because lying isn't beneficial to you or the relationship you have to the person you lied to and because lying is so damn complicated. You gotta tell a lie to cover up your first lie, then you gotta keep up with what your lie was and exactly how you said it because if you forget you'll fuck it up and then the other person will know that you lied and saying all of that is exasperating so yeah, fuck all that lol. I'd rather tell the truth. Soooo much simpler.

But anyway off topic, I am really doing this to give you a bit of an "insight" so to speak, on who I am. The type of person that I am, or who I think I am so you can get to know me. Every thing that I write will be and is my opinion or my view. I think that I THINK too much. Hold on let's take a step back. First let me say that I am a poet. I have been for years...literally. I never really starting honing my skill up until about high school though. Then my computer crashed in 08, lost majority of my material....and didn't start REALLY writing again until 2010. Now I said that to say that sometimes as a poet...it's hard to get all of your thoughts down into a form that you would actually consider poetry. Sometimes it's easier to just be able to write your thoughts out in the order they come, without worrying about if it flows right. Basically talking, on paper. Especially if you're like me and have thousands of thoughts running in your mind all the time. Second, lately I have recently noticed how much anger I harbor inside myself. I've been on this venture so to speak, learning about myself and starting to try to be more comfortable with myself, and I have noticed that I am angry, about little things, social things, family things, more than i should be...so I decided to start a blog. I mean, isn't that what blogging about anyway? Writing and posting about what you want to write and post about? The best way for me to vent is to write about it. Freely and openly talk about my view on something (feel free to share your thoughts and comments as well, I'm always up for a good debate) without it necessarily hurting anybody else. I know there will always be people that will disagree or have some smart shit to say because they think they are always right or shit just because you're you, but at the end of the day I'm really doing this for me. Almost like a form of therapy. One that I can even go back to and pull inspiration from in the chance that I have writers block (as I often do), or whatever lol.

Besides its always something that makes you wonder who else thinks like me...Who else sees these different things in the world and are bothered by them, or who else has encountered a similar situation and came to the same generalized thought as I did? I mean granted these will just be my experiences but you never know by sharing your experiences, or thoughts, you could be helping someone who just happens to need some guidance or need to feel like they aren't alone. 

Not much else to really say about me except I hope you get something from this, if you read this, and if you regularly take it upon yourself to come and read about what I have to say. And if not...well then shit...lol es lo que es (it is what it is). Peace, love, happiness, all that.  

You Know What REALLY Grinds My Gears....

Ok so here’s my problem with society. Now at first I thought my biggest problem with society would be
double standards. Now don’t get me wrong, double standards still get under my skin like no other. I hate how a dude gets so much “play” for sleeping around, while women are judged and called hoes, or how women can’t sign up for infantry or why male nurses are frowned upon like…why does it matter. A dude is hoe for sleeping around, women should be allowed to voluntarily go infantry and male nurses are the same as any other fucking nurse….I’m just saying…

But anyway my problem with society right RIGHT now that I have noticed and come to hate more and more IS: everybody has SOMETHING to say about everybody else. Yup, there you have it. That is my number one gripe with our world. Now let me break it down for you and give a few examples so you can see what I’m talking about. This year during tax season (now don’t sit and front like you weren’t excited about getting your taxes, pay off some bills, take care of some things that needed a lump sum of money for etc, it’s OK) EVERYBODY was talking shit about taxes like, “Shout out to all the people who only have money during tax season” or “Shout out to all the moms that keep their kids fresh only during tax season” or “All ya’ll niggas looking forward to tax season gonna be broke in a couple of weeks”, etc…and I’m like….please….all of you SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Straight like that. Now me personally, I owed for the 2012 tax season so I didn’t get to reap the benefits of it really this year, but the years before hand, yes, you got damn right I’m looking forward to tax season. Now I completely understand that some people manipulate use the tax system as a way to use the government to get money, haven’t worked all year but getting $5000 back in taxes for nothing every year, that I understand. But If I have the ability to get some of this money back that the government takes out of my check every two weeks then yes let me get that back, let me get my kids this that and the third, let me take care of some bills or catch up on some bills because as a hard working American citizen I deserve to get that shit back. I get up and go to work every day, I work 40 plus hours a week to provide for my kids to make sure that they have the things that they need, I’m tired and sacrifice spending on the things I want to make sure we all have the things that we need, so yes BITCH, yes I am going to spend my tax money however the fuck I chose to and unless you’re paying my bills or putting food on my table then mind your own business about what I do with my money.

Another example are all these posts about what a women/man should/shouldn’t do to keep a man/woman. You know those posts like “A good woman never lets her man leave the house horny or hungry” or “A good man wakes his women up with head and breakfast” or other dumb shit as such. Number ONE…if a person isn’t ready or doesn’t want to really be in a relationship, there is nothing you can do to change that fact but let that person go. Because they will cheat, they will not give you the attention you deserve and they will take you for granted. They in fact will know that they don’t deserve you but what they want is more important than anything else so they will stay in it until you walk away from it. So far all the people who think that there is something you can do to keep a man or a woman from straying, there isn’t. Sorry to tell you. Not saying that there aren’t certain things that you should do while you’re in a relationship with someone because of course there are things that you should do just because that is your significant other and you should want to, because that’s who you’re with. But people need to stop trying to get into other people’s business and just focus on you and your relationship. Get rid of that mindset that you can control someone or change someone. Only person you can control or change is YOU.

This last example is one that I absolutely make a point to do any chance I’m just running out real quick. I HATE when people talk about people who walk out the house in a bonnet or sweat pants or just dressed down in general. For one, if YOU’RE not wearing it, why does it matter? I’m really curious to know that because people seriously be extra mad about it. Now I do agree that everything ain’t for everybody, meaning I’m not gonna walk out the house in some shit way too small for me or nothing crazy like that. But if I’m going to the store for a couple of things that will have me in and out, uh yeah….I’m not getting dressed up for that. I don’t care WHO doesn’t like it. I’m just not. I do believe in dressing for success and making an impression and fuck that, just overall just wanting to look nice for the day…therefore on days when I know I’m going to be out and about then I will dress accordingly. But that still is “sometimes” and depends on how tired I am and what I have to do. So why does it matter what I have on? Because you have to see it? If you weren’t looking so hard and all in my face worried about what I have on it wouldn’t bother you now would it? No? I didn’t think so.

Bottom line is that everyone is so NEGATIVE. From people who talk shit about people with kids, to this whole lightskin versus darkskin notion, all the way down to people who straight up and down diss fat people, or people they think are ugly etc. How about you focus on YOU, and what YOU need to do, or what YOU’RE going to eat, or where YOU want to be versus talking shit when the opportunity presents itself. Life is not about who does or doesn't have, or who is ugly vs who is pretty, or who is popular its about the type of person YOU are while you are here on this Earth. Not to mention It is SOOOOO fucking unnecessary and honestly people such as myself get tired of seeing your negative shit and want to punch you in the face….just being honest. Spread peace and love, not hate. Ok…I’m stepping off the soap box…

I'd Like A Conversation Please, Hold the "Beat Bush"...

So I'm not really the kind of person to just let stuff linger out there ok. And what I mean by that is, for instance, if you have a problem with me and I've heard that you might, or if something you did or said made me feel some kind of way, and you are someone that I care about and value, then I am going to tell you how I feel or what I heard. Before I get into specifics let me reason with you. Say you have a significant other. Say they....hmmm, lets say they hurt your feelings. They unknowingly made a joke about something that you were insecure about or were sensitive about or whatever. Now YOU, don't mention to them that they hurt your feelings or whatever and YOU then begin to have time to think about it, and think about it, and think about it because that really hurt your feelings. You can't even believe they would say that to you, so forth and so on. Lets say the next day, you talk to them, and instead of upfront addressing how their words hurt you or made you feel some kind of way, you continue to hold it in. And while you're on the phone you're just thinking about what they said and how it made you feel...that halfway through the conversation your tone and attitude towards them changes because you're mad all over again. An idle mind is the devils playground. Holding in emotions is not healthy. For one, you can make something small turn into something big because one thing we often do is expect for people to be able to READ OUR MINDS!!! Sorry to tell you loves, they can't. For two, its not good because it causes stress on your mental, your spiritual and your physical state.

So me being who I am just expect any issues to be resolved or at least "put out there" when dealing with me. Especially if we're emotionally involved, communication is HUGE for me then. The downside to this however, is knowing how to get your point across without it seeming like you're attacking them (dun dun DUNNNN). It just so happens, that I'm a blunt person. I see no need for beating around the bush playing games, or walking around a topic or an issue. All dancing around the problem does, is waste time that could be used talking about what the problem is. But you can't just have a conversation by saying "oh you do this, and you did that, and you said this, or you didn't say that". That's not gonna work either. Finding a happy medium when you're upset does complicate how you want to verbalize your concern but it isn't impossible! So what I try to do is before I address it, I think about exactly what it is that I'm upset about, and explain it how it came across to me and why I feel the way I feel. Dumb it down and putting it as delicately as possible. Instead of accusing by saying "you were ignoring me and I just don't get why you would when you know xyz is going on" say "I felt a little ignored, although that may not have been your intention, but with xyz going on I just wanted a little more attention and I didn't feel like I got it". "But isn't that beating around the bush?" you say? No, because once again, people don't read minds. I have to say EXACTLY what it is that I was upset about. Second, Furthermore, how you think or view a situation may not be how another person sees it. We are unique, perspectives and opinions vary from person to person. Being specific is the only way you know you got your side of the story across the best way you know how.

I'm not saying I'm an expert by ANY means, NOR am I saying this is the right way for you. But one thing I've learned is that communication is key to just about anything. Especially relationships. In my opinion it's best to keep the line free and open, to help weed out any confusion or misunderstandings. And it's also best to handle it BEFORE our minds have too much time (hence the TOO MUCH time part because I know sometimes you just need that breather to woo-sah it out before you say something to prevent yourself from exploding in your delivery) to make it worse. Be open, talk it out, build with one another. This doesn't have to apply to just "your boyfriend/girlfriend" but a friend, family. Remember that life is short, letting problems that could more than likely be corrected by just expressing yourself and being receptive to the other person expressing themselves just causes unnecessary tension.

The Good/Bad Influence

Have you ever known somebody who was such a great influence, great person to be around, could laugh joke, chill, with, kept you high spirited but in the same breath....was a complete "bad" influence at least where it counts *wink* lol???? Well I would be that person (or at least I think I'm great...). Like I've said before I've been on....ok, let me briefly explain cause I don't wanna keep referring to this as the "positivity kick". If you've never heard of "The Secret" you need to google that shit right now. But anyway, ever since I've started applying the secret into my life...mixed with divulging in my religion, I appreciate life more. With that being said, I try to project that into the lives of the people I care about because I want them to be happy in life and to think their most wanted desires into existence because it can happen (which you will understand more if you googled "The Secret"). Plus I'm the ultimate chiller. No really I am though lol. Chilling playing the game, smoking, drinking, playing cards, watching movies all that, I'm always up for if I can make it out. And more importantly I'm there for my friends, or try to be in any way I can. I can't always do financially, but when I can I do, and I will always show my support in any endeavors, and be there emotionally as well.

And yet....with all these wonderful qualities of mine I'm the devil on your shoulder lol. If you want to do something, no matter if its right or it's wrong, I'm going to be that person to say go for it. Horrible right? But see here's why I do it. Now as a person, you think. So before you ever form a word to come out of your mouth, you already know what you want to say. In knowing what it is, that you want to say, it means that prior to you saying it, you put some thought into it. Now I don't know about you, but if I've put some thought into something, especially something that would consider what I'm saying wrong or potentially wrong by carrying whatever is said into action, then I've already mentally thought about and weighed the pros and cons. So with that being said, I feel like if you've had enough time to formulate a thought and verbalized it to me, then all you need is the okay to do it. And lucky enough, I'm willing to push you right over the edge, a little courage so to speak lol. Of course every situation is different and some things need a little more consideration, I'm not gonna be like "yeah nigga you should definitely go kill that nigga, use a revolver no cases" lol like no, I can't condone that. But seriously, life is too short. It is. Ever notice that time moves by so much faster as an adult then it did as a child? Well that's because as a child you lived, carefree. And now as adults, we're so consumed with work and money and bills and groceries and ahhh damn I gotta spend this extra money on xyz that we miss out on the beauty of life. The beauty of love, and mystery, and good conversations with good people. And sometimes you need an escape. You need to believe that there's more. And there is.....all you need is a little belief that you can, and I'm here to always give a helping hand =) lol

A Word of Advice...

Here's a bit of advice, get yourself a good group of friends. And I mean people who are generally good people who like to get together have fun, chill, smoke, drink, whatever. These people must be reliable as friends, are intelligent and smart, but when it's time to party, it's time to party. This will save you from yourself sometimes. When I get down and out I can always count on my friends to lift my spirits. Even if only temporarily for the moment for that night or whatever. Surrounding yourself around good people that will uplift you, well...it uplifts you. I wouldn't trade my friends for anyone other friends in the world. Using the word "real" becomes a cliche but really....they are. I found out how real they are last year which furthermore leads me to believe that I have the best friends ever invented....I'm just saying (no you can't have them go get your own)....but anyway much love, life, happiness....

Love is Indispensable

Sooooo I promise I'm not making this up. I have lately been trying to be more positive (that'll be another post entirely) and getting more into my faith. So I downloaded the YouVersion Bible App onto my iPad. On this app you can just read the daily verse, or select the Book and Chapter you want to read OR you have the option to start a plan. These plans are based on a topic of interest (i.e. say your having issues with image or want to look up scriptures related to marriage) and it will start you on a plan, that you visit everyday and it will be a couple of verses related to whatever topic it is you're doing your plan on. So on Sunday, I go into the app and read the daily verse.mthe daily verse was the image below. I then go into my plan that I started, which just so happens to be love, and read Sundays verse for the day. Now, let me say, that I have been having issues in my love life for the last two years. I lately have beginning to feel like maybe the whole love scene isn't for me. Like I'm one of those people that are meant to do other things, finding love not being one of them. Or maybe, I just have this unrealistic view that in this day and age real love, actually exists. The kind of love that has no limits and no boundaries. The kind of love that can withstand all trials and come out stronger in the end. Where you laugh, and joke, feel appreciated, feel beautiful, no secrets, no lies, and you where you can feel secure. I was certainly on the brink of giving up on love because I love wholeheartedly and most people aren't capable of loving like that and I was tired of it not being reciprocated. But then Monday night, after I read the daily verse, and go into my plan, the same scripture that was posted as the daily verse for Sunday, was my plan scripture for Monday. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but my first response was wow......

I feel like, in that moment, God reached out to me and said "Don't quit...", in that moment he was reminding me yet again that a life without love is no life at all. No matter the achievements, or successes I may experience, no matter if I gain all the money in the world, none of it means a thing if I don't have love. Now, I'm not going to say that my current love life is going to magically get better, I actually anticipate it not lasting, which sucks, but I'm in better spirits about possibly finding what I desire even after (if) it ends....

"And now these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Do Unto Others....

Lately I've been taking the time out to analyze myself. I put a lot of energy into anything that matters to me. I guess you could say I'm a very emotion-filled person. If you're someone I consider dear to me then I'd go out of my way for you if I could, provide my support for you, etc. This sometimes, however, sets me up to get my feelings hurt...because being who I am I do these things because I care and assuming that this feeling is reciprocated I develop expectations off the strength that I would for you so you will for me. But unfortunately we live in a dog eat dog world and the reality is that people do for self. Naturally, they do what benefits them. And as a person you should make sure that you take care of yourself first. But as a person you should also have the ability and the want to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The greatest commandment set forth by God himself and yet most people are too wrapped up in the specifics of their life to execute it. Think about it, how many friends, family co-workers, girlfriends., boyfriends, etc....have you done something for just off the strength of who they are to you or because you think to yourself "if the shoe where on the other foot, I know they'd have my back" and when the time came for them to deliver on your thought or expectation of them....and they did the complete opposite?  Bet that threw your for a loop huh? Yeah, I get that a lot. And as time goes on I typically just try not to expect anything from anybody. But sometimes when this happens you just want to punch them in the face and be like "I thought we were better than this". It really disappoints me the lack of faith you have to have in people and why? But I guess life circumstances make everyone who they are and as much I wish I could just turn off how much I care for and about people I can't. And I don't want to. I thought like that before and all it did was bring me more shut doors than open ones and I'd rather have some options when I need a hand then none. Just rambling now, there really is no point I'm making just an observation. And if you're thinking why not just change if it bothers you so much? Because I like helping people, I like being there for people, my presence whether big or small, if it helps I'm happy to contribute. It's just the way I am.....