Natural Hair Dilemma

Ok I know I've been slacking on my blogging and I promise there are legitimate reasons....but we won't get into that right now. Why??? Because I have a hair dilemma!!!! Not currently (well shit if you wanna be technical yes currently) but ok let me slow down. I have not had a relaxer since October. No specific reason ORIGINALLY outside of the fact that I just really never needed a relaxer that often. I'd often go 4-5 months without a relaxer and when straightened you'd never know unless I said so. Around February though, I just decided that I was going to go on this natural hair journey and decided that I was not going to get a relaxer again. At first this was easily manageable because I've gone 4-5 months without a relaxer before so it was pretty simple. But then talking to one of my best friends she's like "I don't use heat at all. It kinda defeats the purpose of being natural as you won't get or see your curls and heat has the same damaging effects of a relaxer." So....I stopped using heat AS OFTEN (I'm sorry I won't be one of those women who never wears her hair straight cause I like it straight and can manage it straight). I'll say I've only straightened my hair twice since February and that was for my birthday and when I went on my mini vacay the following week. Now with no heat, ya girl is in a WHOLE NEW TERRITORY!!!!! Idk what to do with this mess and then dealing with two textures (my natural hair texture which is hella curly and thick vs my relaxed hair) is for the muthafuckin birds!!!!!!!!!

So lately here I've been thinking of doing my BC (big chop) and just cutting off all my relaxed hair and saying fuck it. I originally wanted to transition for a year but I'm like....I've got 7 months of growth so it's not like my hair will be super short however.....I've never had short hair....like ever....nothing above my ears since the 8th grade and I've been outta high school for 7 years, you do the math. That's a LONG ASS TIME!!!  I don't know if I'll be able to rock the little curly short do and I'm already hella self conscious and having short hair will just add to my awkwardness. On the other hand....seriously you have no idea the struggle of "transitioning" to all au natural lol. Plus I want to see my curls!!!! I won't go into the stereotype of "good hair" but I do have a decent grade of hair naturally that you wouldn't typically see on someone my complexion. So I wanna see it dammit lol. I want fall in love with it and me but I wonder....can I really??? I'm scared to death that I won't be as attractive without my hair or that other ppl won't like it. My best friend keeps telling me it'll be a good move and above all else even sexier than myself with relaxed hair....I'm not as confident about embracing this side of me as she is and has been lol. Only for reasons of length. Petty? Sure why not but its what I'm used to. I think I've decided to do it though the weekend of June the 1st. I'm currently reading "Better Than Good Hair" by Nikki Walton bka "Curly Nikki" and it's really a good read and encouraging me on this journey of mine. I think I've made up my mind subconsciously but I'm still trying to cope with the idea. I know waiting for a year is out of the question lol. It would be nice but....two textures is a no go (natural hairstyles don't work as well on the relaxed ends and relaxed styles only last a day or two I'd that because I have so much growth that any humidity or heat reverts it making me look like a poodle lol). Anyway, wish me luck!!!!

Just Love Me....

Ok I'm going to be completely honest here. I believe in love *gasps*. I really and truly do. I believe in that fairy tale, movie kind of love too. But, in a world where love is so rare, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to find it. Being able to have someone that without a shadow of a doubt will be there for you and fight for you. And I don't mean just physically fight for you. I mean someone who makes it their personal vendetta to do everything in their power to let you know that, you are it for them. And when you're being stubborn, won't allow you to think that you're going to walk away. Especially when everyone does things when they're angry or upset that they don't actually mean, moreso us women but men, you do too. 

Why do I think that this kind of love even exists? Because I've SEEN it with my own two eyes. And more importantly because I love like that. Unfortunate for me because no one I've ever loved has loved me back like that. And yet I'd still fight for them. I'd still fight for the relationship like them seeing me care that much would somehow trigger something in them like "BOOM" I DO care for her like she cares for me, I do love her like she loves me. Unfortunately that was never the case. Not ever. Not even now and I'm married. Though that doesn't mean anything seeing as how I'll be divorced soon. Hell, half the time we've been married we've been separated. I guess thats part or the reason why I don't think I'll ever be loved as much I love other people. Besides after while you get tired of giving your all and getting half or less in return. You come to not trust it. Or trust people. More importantly you start to not trust yourself. Like, maybe I just suck at choosing someone that actually suits me. Everything is great in the beginning but what about when you finally argue, or have a difference, will it automatically end the relationship? Will we recover from it? Will I feel the same way about you, will you feel the same way about me? Will you cheat or communicate with me your feelings? Or will you lie and harbor these feelings of discontent and let it escalate in your mind while I think everything is fine? I mean these are the normal issues in a relationship but the difference in it is the other persons mentality. If they're even looking for something long term or just something to do for the moment? 

Most males in my age group don't want something long term. Too busy flocking from female to female, chasing after "the baddest bitches" and have a warped sense of what beauty is, what a woman is, or what substance is. More importantly most males in my age group aren't ready to be committed on the level that I would want, no, that I would need in a serious relationship. For me that ship has sailed as far as allowing (allowing as in allowing them to stay with me after their second "accident" smh) someone to cheat and continuously cheat. Had my fair share and yeah, no lol. Some people don't believe in monogomy and have soooo many reasons as to why they don't etc....to each it's own. As far as MY own, I'm not real keen on sharing *kanye shrug*. My opinion....the number of men actually ready to settle down is going to continue to dwindle. Why? Because all that is shown and I publicized and praised is "getting money and fucking bitches". No one talks love anymore, no one talks marriage, some people even argue that marriage is just a ploy the "government" came up with to get money out of people. Wrong. Marriage is something God came up with to join two people together before him to experience life and grow together. He made us to be in pairs. Hence Adam and Eve. Also why single people get lonely. Someone is SUPPOSED to be there. But it's like no one realizes it and more importantly no one cares. So many shouts of #teamsingle #MOB #fucklove #fuckmarriage and no one seems to want that kind of devotion or nor do they respect the ones that have it. Men sleeping with married women and women....man women sleep with someone they KNOW is married like, fuck his wife....but how would you feel if you was someone's wife and they said fuck you...what if it was your husband? It's different then I guess -__-. 

My point is that we are hitting a rock bottom as a people and there are only a few people left who realize that the key to life doesn't belong in money, or material things, or the people you've slept with. It's only in the people you love, happiness, and how you enjoyed life. You often hear single rich people say how lonely it is at the top, and how having all the money in the world is nothing with no one to share it with....but they're rich though....hmmm....

"Love is everything. It is the key to life, and it's influences are those that move the world."

 - Unknown

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

- 1 Corinthians 13:13

Unrequited...

I regret every drop of ink I put to paper to scribe the feeling you used to give to me including this...to the point where I almost wish our time together didn't exist

But instead I'll sit and try to mentally erase every trace of your energy that seems to be burned into my memory 

Permanent brain damage that makes your absence hard to manage because unspoken words hurt more than madness shit I just never imagined it'd be you drowning me out with echoes of silence 

I just want to escape the emotional violence because I can't seem to shake this funk that I'm in...covered in thin sheens of disbelief that we're really gonna end like we never found bliss...like we didn't envision kisses lost between our lips or creativity that was influenced by the rhythm in our hips

Wishing I could cherish it just a little while longer but you killing this just might make me stronger right? 

Maybe after these lonely nights of agitation of me foolishly sitting in anticipation that this last text message might be the explanation I'd been hoping to get instead of this loud noise of quietness 

And I can't fully verbalize how traumatizing realizing our conversations were probably spoon filled lies that I ate willingly 

Never thinking you'd have the capability to be just another actor who could perform so exquisitely

Realistically I wanted us to be the dream that everyone has dreamt  

Synced mentally like we were meant to be together like interlocked hands where my fingers fit perfectly 

I just hope you understand that I cared like I still care although I should care less just like you could care less enough to not speak to me when spoken to 

But it's not as if I'm new to confusion 

I just was under the illusion that you'd be the one exclusion, my bad didn't mean to ass u me 

Assuming never really was a smart move to begin with 

Just like dealing isn't that easy to deal with 

But I'm dealing with it 

Still using laughter to seal in the aftermath of loving you when you clearly don't love me too

It's all cool though 

I just couldn't stop myself from loving you...